Lovers, Friends and Families

Self care
Telltale signs present in early Tina use
Someone we care about is a problem Tina user
          Understanding Tina dependence
          Tips for talking with someone about their problem use
          Strategies for helping
          Recovery issues
Partners

Strategies for helping

Rescuing

What if he’s not ready for help or even talk? Don’t despair or take it personally. Let the one we care about know that when he’s ready for help, you’ll be there. You’ve planted a seed of recovery that may grow when you least expect it. The goal is not to ‘rescue’ your loved one from his problem. Our role is to maximize the chances that he will seek help, without losing ourselves along the way.

In the meantime, be careful that you don’t get caught up in his behavior. You may find yourself reacting to your loved one’s behavior by focusing on him, what he does, where he goes, if he is high, or on how much he uses. You may even try to control his drug use, perhaps by holding his ATM card for him. But getting too involved usually leaves us feeling frustrated and our loved one feeling distrusted. That is a recipe for conflict.

Enabling

On the other end of the reaction spectrum is enabling or overprotecting our lover, friend or family member from the negative consequences of his dependence. Do not cover up for him. He needs to feel the downsides of his Tina use even if it’s hard for us to witness. Many people underestimate the ways they facilitate dependence and enable people they love who have a problem. Professional counseling is a good way to help identify these patterns. Remember this is to help us so that we can help him.

Remember that his drug use is not our fault and we are not responsible for his struggles, or successes in recovery. All we can do is talk honestly with him, show him we care, and encourage positive steps. Helping a loved one with a drug problem is hard work. The process is likely to be difficult to stay with and can be extremely stressful. Find support if you get discouraged. Talk with a peer, counselor, co-worker, etc.

Triggers

Model the behavior you wish to see. Being hypocritical when it comes to our own substance use isn’t helpful. This can be challenging if a focus of your relationship has involved using Tina or other substances together. It’s best to re-examine how you spend time together. Many users are triggered by other substances and various social situations (which could include you). If you really want to help, understand what his triggers are, try and not be part of them, and do not use together. If possible, find alternative activities, such as going for walks or attending cultural events that you can both enjoy and allow you to continue to spend time together.

Distancing

It can be hard to love and support someone who breaks promises, borrows money and doesn’t pay it back, and spends more time getting high with others than spending time with us. It can be hard to love and support someone who manipulates and abuses us. The time may come, particularly when the problem behaviors continue or worsen, when you need to walk away from the situation. It’s hard to do, but sometimes losing people we love temporarily is what it takes to keep them in the long run. Sometimes guys report that they finally understood how serious their problem was when lovers, friends, or families distanced themselves. Sometimes the damage to the relationship is too great to be repaired and we lose people permanently. Sometimes we need to disengage completely to save ourselves.

Boundries

Decide how much you are willing to put up with. Let the one you care about know what will happen if he pushes this limit. And whatever you decide, stick to it. This is called setting and maintaining boundaries. This is ‘tough love.’ It’s essential to pull back if his dependence threatens your security or well-being. Pulling back rarely feels like a ‘good’ option, but it may feel like the ‘only’ option. ‘Tough love’ is tough. We’ve been there. It may be helpful for the one who is dependent and it may be essential for you. The more important this relationship is to you, the more difficult ‘tough love’ will be. Please get help and support.

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, minimizing enabling, and practicing ‘tough love’ are challenging and daunting for most of us. If you are in close relationship with the person using Tina, you may also feel as if you’re pulled into their drama riding a roller coaster that makes practicing healthy behaviours ourselves even more difficult. We encourage you to seek help and support. For resources available in our community, please click here. Know that it is a learning curve. You don’t have to do it perfectly. No one does! We give this as much time and energy as we wish, and in the process look after ourselves as best we can.

Adapted from KnowCystal.org with permission