Lovers, Friends and Families

Self care
Telltale signs present in early Tina use
Someone we care about is a problem Tina user
          Understanding Tina dependence
          Tips for talking with someone about their problem use
          Strategies for helping
          Recovery issues
Partners

Recovery issues

What Is Recovery?

Recovery is traditionally defined according to the disease model of addiction exemplified by the 12-step anonymous fellowships. Abstinence is the goal in this model and recovery is a process of moving towards the goal of abstinence, because the ‘disease’ of addiction has no cure. The one you care about may have abstinence as a recovery goal; he may not. This is not for us to judge. There are many guys in recovery who define themselves not as addicts but as ex-users. They may or may not believe that the disease model of addiction holds true for them. Recovery goals are defined by the user, not by us. Many guys don’t even identify with the term recovery so please keep that in mind as well.

The Toronto Gay/Bi Men’s Crystal Meth Task Force has adopted a harm reduction model that includes abstinence because we believe that is the most helpful approach for the largest number of guys. Recovery can refer to embracing ways of reducing harm and risks associated with Tina use all the way up to and including quitting Tina completely. It’s common for guys to begin with looking at ways to reduce negative impacts and that often leads to reducing use and over time developing a goal of abstinence, but not always.

Recovery takes many forms and there is no single way to do it. The profile of each user is different and so is the recovery path. Having said that, there are some things that many guys in recovery from Tina experience in common.

What Can We Expect?

Tina alters the brain chemistry of the user and can have significant mental health impacts. Although these impacts will improve with reduced use and sobriety, they can persist for months after quitting. You can read more about how Tina affects the brain here.

The most common mental health impact impact is probably depression. You should also expect changes in personality. Mood swings are frequent in early recovery from any substance and especially crystal meth. The one you care about might begin to act and talk differently as he learns to relate to himself and others in new and healthier ways. Be patient.

Your loved one may become more sensitive to things that never bothered him before and especially to things that trigger him. If you're not sure if something is ok with him, ask. Respect his feedback. It’s important that he be in control of this and not us.

Especially in early recovery, guys often sense that their friends and family are watching every move they make, just waiting for the first sign of a slip or relapse. Guys in recovery have enough stress without us adding more. It's hard for anyone to live under a microscope, so give the one you care about a little room and privacy, unless he asks for supervision and then you can decide what you are comfortable with.

The point is that he must be in control of his recovery not you. It’s normal to doubt his word about his use or lack of, especially when trust has been violated in the past. You may wonder if his enthusiasm for recovery is genuine or because he’s high. Be careful of your assumptions. In the moment the truth may not be important; time will reveal all.

After treatment, your loved one may feel bored a lot of the time. Guys with serious problem use may have spent a lot of time wrapped up in their habit. In recovery, they may have trouble knowing how to fill that time with less harmful activities. Tina use may have become part of their identity as well.

This is a great time to discover new interests and healthy activities together. Toronto is filled with opportunities we can advantage of that don’t have to cost a lot of money. Some examples include: exploring a new neighbourhood, attending a street festival or cultural event, shopping at the market and preparing a healthy meal, joining a social or athletics club, volunteering for an event or community organization, taking a trip to the island, attending a workshop or taking a class. Be creative.

Give regular feedback that affirms his hard work. Recovery usually happens in small steps. Take time to reinforce all of them. Reaffirm.

At times, the one you care about may need to be so focused on his recovery that he doesn't have room for anything else. At other times, he may have ‘recovery fatigue’ and need to not talk or think about it. Anything is difficult to maintain 24/7 and recovery from Tina dependence is especially difficult. It is common for motivation levels for guys in recovery to vary, sometimes dramatically and sometimes within short periods of time. Expect this and try not to get overly excited when he is feeling super enthusiastic or discouraged when he is feeling depressed. Practicing healthy detachment is good for us and for those we are trying to support.

Don't mention his recovery in every conversation. He'll need a break from recovery talk from time to time. He may be struggling with the identity of being an ‘addict’ and this is a heavy burden for anyone to carry. Remember that his addiction is only a part of his whole expression. Give the other parts of his life some attention as well.

Be Prepared For Slips And Relapses

If the user’s recovery goal is abstinence, slips and relapses are likely and it is unrealistic to expect otherwise. Relapses are defined as a return to uncontrolled substance use while ‘slips’ are defined as a brief return to use without significant impacts. Even if abstinence is not the goal, users may establish recovery goals that they do not attain. You should expect this. You should understand it as part of the process. Many guys miss their goals, use more than their limits, have slips, and relapses. The guy who quits Tina cold turkey and never returns to it is rare. Please remember this context.

It’s also helpful for us to understand a little about the positive function that slips and relapses can provide. In the cognitive behavioural model of addiction (unlike the disease model), slips and relapses are viewed as learning opportunities rather than deviations from the path of recovery. Rather than thinking of relapses as a failure, guys are encouraged to put into practice new information or understandings about high-risk situations or self-defeating thinking that might have led to the relapse. This exercise builds self-confidence and can nurture future success in recovery. It can be helpful for us to view slips and relapses this way as well.

If the one you care about relapses, it doesn’t mean he’s back to square one or that our efforts and support were a waste of time. Understand that he may need a number of tries to really stop for good if that’s his goal; most people with Tina do. Allow for the possibility that he may never stop using.

Sometimes it’s the very pressure to succeed in recovery that overwhelms guys and prompts a slip or relapse. Guys who use learn to get high as a way to cope with uncomfortable feelings and stress. Little in life is more uncomfortable and stressful than recovery. Learning new ways to manage stress take practice and time. When things get overwhelming, it’s easy to resort to default mode which is using again. Please understand this.

Most addicts have a hard time believing in themselves, especially during and after a relapse. We don’t need to contribute to his shame and guilt. Your loved one will need our positive reinforcement because he’s probably beating himself up inside more than we know. Encourage him to keep trying and remind him of his past accomplishments.

Beating Tina is tough. Many guys say that overcoming Tina dependence is the hardest thing they’ve ever done. They are impressed by how pervasive and long lasting the cravings are even when they are fully committed to recovery and know the negative impacts well. You may have heard that recovery rates for Tina are much lower than for most other substances. Know that guys in Toronto are achieving success one day at a time. There is a growing recovery community and the guy you care about could become part of that.

There are likely gaps between what you know and what you sometimes feel. Intellectually, we understand Tina dependence is complex. We know we can’t make the one we care about change. We know we shouldn’t blame ourselves. We know that his issues are his issues and ours are ours. Sometimes our reactions and emotions will not follow what we know to be true. That’s ok. Be gentle with yourself. There’s nothing logical or rational about substance dependence. Have faith that you are doing the best that you can and that the one you love is doing the best he can. In the long run, we may be surprised how it all turns out.

Adapted from Knowcrystal.org with permission, and originally based on the article, ‘When Your Friend has a Drug or Alcohol Problem: A Guide for Gay and Bisexual Men,’ by Susan Kingston, 2005.