Lovers, Friends and Families

Self care
Telltale signs present in early Tina use
Someone we care about is a problem Tina user
Partners
          Using issues for partners
          Knowing when to separate
          Recovery issues for partners

Knowing when to separate

Separation doesn’t mean you failed. Separation doesn’t have to be permanent. We may have been able to develop better coping strategies, reduced our expectations, taken on a greater share of relationship responsibilities, enhanced our ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries, and even developed better practices of self-care as ways to try improving our management skills. Still the problems persist and the use doesn’t stop, or stop for long enough.

We begin to think more about our ability to continue to try and manage this and for how long. We wonder if love is worth the costs in this dynamic. We wonder how we would like our life to be. We wonder if we can stay. Everyone’s answers will be different. What’s important here is that we’re asking ourselves the questions and working towards the answers. His recovery may be at stake and certainly our own health and well-being.

There are two situations where we should strongly consider separation, even if only temporarily:

• Your partner's addiction is making you sick and you are no longer the person you used to be. Perhaps you are more depressed; withdrawn from friends, not engaging in the activities you used to, or are having problems at work because you're so distracted. These are important markers and we need to pay attention to them.

• Your own financial, physical, or legal security is in jeopardy. Abuse should not be tolerated and is a criminal offense in Canada. Abuse can be physical, emotional or psychological. Examples include: shaming, demeaning, intimidating and humiliating. If we suspect that we are now in an abusive relationship, it is important to develop a safety plan. It may be critical that we get help.*

TIP: Addiction, especially when operating under the legal and financial ramifications of marriage and to a lesser extent common-law relationship can have catastrophic legal and financial implications. Talk to a legal or financial professional for advice.

Many of us have prolonged painful relationships by not believing our own sense that something is wrong. There are many ways to talk ourselves out of our own gut feelings and it is likely that our partner will be doing his utmost to encourage this. Common thoughts we might have are: maybe I'm overreacting, he said he didn't get high last night, I acted like a jerk too. But no matter what your partner says or what your own head says, your gut will always know when something doesn't feel right. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

We either reconcile with our partner in his recovery or restructure our life without him. If the relationship ends, it doesn't mean you didn't try hard enough to make it work or that you didn't do the right things along the way. The responsibility for the relationship lies equally between you. He’s responsible for his substance abuse or addiction and for its consequences on others. That may not lessen your loss, betrayal, or anger, but it may help you move forward knowing that the decision to leave was at least the right one for us.

*If domestic abuse is ongoing it is recommended that we develop a ‘safety plan.’ Some of these items are intuitive and you may already have considered them. Others may be new to you. Remember that a safety plan is for your protection and to prevent a bad situation from escalating which can cause further harm to yourself, your partner, and potentially others as well.

A safety plan components include: