Lovers, Friends
and Families
Self care
Telltale signs present
in early Tina use
Someone we care
about is a problem Tina user
Partners
Using
issues for partners
Knowing
when to separate
Recovery
issues for partners
Recovery issues for partners
Treatment is part of recovery but recovery does not have
to include treatment. Treatment can be either ‘inpatient’
(residential at a facility) or ‘outpatient.’ Many
guys find treatment helpful. Our partners use impacts may
have become so severe that we have insisted on treatment.
However, this route isn’t followed by everyone so we
are making the distinction here to be more inclusive. Recovery
is defined not so much by how you get there but by the progress
made to achieving harm reduction goals.
What to Expect In Early Recovery.
Once the recovery process begins, your partner will go through
a lot of changes. Mood swings, shifts in personality and physical
energy, and more mood swings. He may start using new words
and phrases from the language of recovery. This is often a
hopeful and promising time, one that requires a lot of individual
effort as well as help from others.
Your partner may be spending a lot of time at support group
meetings and making new friends who are also in recovery.
While you may feel happy that he is making such progress,
you might also feel jealous of his new recovery friends upon
whom our partner might rely on more for support than us. We're
not being replaced. He needs to be with peers because the
shared insight and experience are extremely supportive in
recovery. We need the same and there are support groups available
for us as well.
In recovery, we may feel anxious to get back to normal or
to feel like we deserve a little more attention after all
we've been through to support him. But again, our patience
is required. Understand that he really does need time in early
recovery to stay focused on his own needs to avoid slips or
relapse. Having said that, we still need to express our feelings
honestly. Together you may be able to generate ideas about
how those needs can be met even if he can’t meet them.
Part of recovery is learning how to communicate about emotions
in an open, respectful way.
Will Our Relationship Change After Recovery?
Yes. Most couples do not return to their lives as if nothing
has happened. On the positive side, you may experience an
improvement in communication: more openness, more honesty,
more frequency, and more sincerity. Most people emerge from
treatment looking forward to a ‘fresh start’ and
to making important changes. You will want to share in this
optimism.
On the other hand, you were likely the one he hurt the most
and that pain doesn't heal quickly. It is normal to feel conflicted
about our partner's post-recovery or treatment return to your
life. You’re glad he's doing better and you also remember
the stream of broken promises, deception, and bullshit. This
conflict will take time to resolve. Don't pretend it isn't
there. Talk about it if we feel it and have other places to
express it besides with our partner.
Trust
Perhaps the hardest part of rebuilding relationships is rebuilding
trust. Of course he wants to make changes, to make it up to
you, to be a better partner. But he has probably said that
countless times before, so why would now be any different?
Again, this caution is something almost all partners feel.
All the hopeful words do not mean as much as real, tangible
actions. And without a doubt, that first time he doesn't show
up for something or doesn't call when he said he would, you'll
probably wonder if he is using again. One advantage of a comprehensive
treatment programme is that he will have been counseled to
expect this from you.
Sex
Sex can also be tricky. Physically, it may feel good to have
him back, but that sense of romantic intimacy will take time
to return, especially if the trust issues aren’t fully
resolved. If your partner used Tina in conjunction with sex,
then sex will be a powerful trigger for using. He may be wary
of sex. Again, you need to express your feelings honestly
and seek ways that don’t put pressure on the relationship.
Reframing a healthy sex life is part of the recovery process.
Outcomes
After reading this, you may get the impression that the odds
of our relationship flourishing or even surviving after the
impacts of Tina abuse or addiction are against you. Some relationships
don’t survive the trauma. Others do and some partnerships
become even stronger through overcoming these challenges together.
In either outcome, you will emerge with a better understanding
of yourself and of what you want and need in a relationship.
This deeper awareness will help bring you more authenticity
and fulfillment in this partnership, the next and in all aspects
of your life.
Adapted from KnowCrystal.org with permission
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