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Worried About

I have a friend who is a hard-core user… He slams Tina and I’m worried about him. He tells me about some of the scenes he gets into while slamming. He seems to fetishize unsafe sex now. He has described scenes including BDSM, scat, sharing blood and other extreme stuff. He says he wants to explore even more of his dark side but I’m not sure whether I can even listen to his tales anymore… but I don’t want to abandon him because we’ve been friends for a long time. What should I do?
-B.N.

Response from:Duncan

I can’t tell from your letter whether you have expressed the full extent of your feelings about your friends use to him or not.  I would encourage you to do so.  Any relationship requires honesty from both sides and you need to be able to express how you feel about his behaviour directly to him.  You might begin by affirming the trust and confidence he has placed in you by disclosing his secrets with you. 

It is necessary for you to decide what you are okay with, or not okay with hearing about, and communicate this boundary to him.  Perhaps you are at a place where you no longer want to hear about his sexual activities.  Expressing how you feel is not abandonment, even though it may feel like it, or he may accuse you of it.  Your long-term friendship has other areas of interest that you can still share.

Many relationships are significantly affected by drug use.  Behaviour and personality traits can become altered temporarily or permanently in heavy users of crystal meth.  Sometimes, the people who care about others, feel as if they are watching the one they care about self-destruct - this is difficult for anyone to witness.  Anger and sadness are common emotions when we feel this way.  

There are articles on this site in the Support section under Lovers, Friends, and Families that will be helpful for you to review.  Don’t hesitate to contact a counselling/therapy service if you need help with the emotions brought up in your relationship.  There may be useful insights for you in that process.