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Roller Coaster
My boyfriend and I have been living together for eight
years. Last year we got into Tina but after several months
decided the downsides weren’t worth it. We both agreed
to stop but he can’t seem to. He lies more and more
and life with him has become a roller coaster. I don’t
know what is real anymore. I still love him and want to help
him. How can I save my relationship?
-Craig
Very often different people respond quite differently to
drugs--some people seem to gravitate to uppers and some to
downers (A and B personality types?). As well, some people
just have more issues that bog them down and that they want
to escape from. Drugs do give people that escape and it may
be that your boyfriend just gets more from using drugs than
you do. Whatever the reasons are, it is likely that he is
just less able than you are to make changes and not so much
that he doesn't want to.
It sounds like you have already tried to set limits and contract
around making some definite changes and that it isn't working.
In this kind of scenario, it usually doesn't help to be confrontational
about things. When you discuss what's going on in your lives
try to come from a place of concern. Attach specific examples
to why you are feeling this way--he will probably try to minimize
what is going on and it's best to be able to state all the
facts in a way that isn't angry of judgmental. If you are
able to maintain your emotions at a concerned and loving level
there is a better chance that he will accept your help than
if you demand change from him.
Having an objective source of feedback and information is
usually really helpful. For this reason, a lot of people seek
professional help at this juncture. If your boyfriend might
be open to it, try to encourage him to speak to someone in
a drug counselling agency. Let him know that he doesn't have
to stop his use necessarily, just be willing to discuss it.
If you know that he won't go that route, ask him to consider
couple's counselling. You can make an appointment for the
both of you together and a good counsellor will be able to
discuss some key issues that are likely preventing him from
making changes and do it in a way that isn't threatening to
him.
If you try all this over a good period of time and your boyfriend
isn't listening to the fact that you are concerned and hurting
it is quite fair for you to start communicating to him what
your bottom line is. Lots and lots of people only start making
changes when they realize that they have to. I get lots of
referrals from people who want help because they don't want
to lose their job or their boyfriend.
Good luck Craig, I know it's a really hard situation you
are in.
For access to professional resources and other supports in
Toronto please refer to our Resource
Guide.
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