Speed Bumps

We’re pleased to be able to offer a view from a former Tina user in the serial feature ‘Speed Bumps.’ We hope you enjoy this series.

Archived Features

Up in smoke

A plastic straw, a piece of tin foil, a small Bic™ lighter, a baggy of crystal meth. These four things were my constant companions for the better part of five years.

Smoking meth would be the second thing I did after waking up in the morning—right after feeding my cat. I'd exhale all the smoke through the straw and out the kitchen window, to protect little Jade from the health risk as she ate her breakfast, and to try and avoid detection by my partner who has a very keen sense of smell. I'd continue to use throughout the day, trying to slow down as nightfall approached, to avoid lying in bed all night awake.

The way I learned to smoke crystal off a piece of foil is sometimes called ‘chasing the dragon’; the term comes from Southeast Asia, where this method is also used to smoke heroin. The key benefit was portability. All the necessary implements could be easily concealed in my wallet or pocket.

Shoveling the crystalline chunks onto the foil, putting one end of the straw in my mouth, positioning the other end above the pile of crystal, placing the lighter below the foil, heating the foil to vapourize the rocks and engorge my lungs with their white, smoky fumes: all these tasks could be carried out quickly in any washroom stall or anyplace else where I was temporarily alone.

People who try crystal and don't get hooked aren't any better, smarter or self-disciplined than those who do. Crystal has a much higher addiction potential than other drugs, but anyone who tries it simply brings to the table their own set of circumstances and biological predispositions. Some are luckier than others.

The first time I tried to kick the habit was about six months after I had first used. By then, I knew I was really in trouble; twenty-five pounds skinnier and losing touch with reality. I left the country for a couple weeks in an effort to escape my demon, traveling to Atlanta with my partner, who tried his best to help me. The addiction's grip on me was very strong; I ended up phoning my dealer the day I got home, within minutes of getting off the bus from the airport.

I eventually learned that ‘running away’ from the problem wouldn't solve it. When I was finally able to stop using, I did so while inhabiting the same environment that for years had been touched by my crystal use: the same rooms, the same back hallways, the same laundry room, the same stairwells, the same public toilets, and the same streets where I once had walked at far too quick a pace.

After I got clean, for the longest time I avoided even touching those talismanic objects anymore: straws, foil, and lighters. What to most people are mundane household items offered me sinister reminders of a pained past. Those things don't bother me anymore, but sometimes other household experiences trigger unexpected memories.

For instance, we have a full-length mirror in our front hallway and yesterday I was cleaning it using a product called Glass Plus™. The cleaner has a strange odour that strongly reminded me of the smell of methamphetamine smoke. That's probably because meth is manufactured using a lot of the same compounds as various chemical cleaning fluids. It left me feeling vaguely uncomfortable.

We light paraffin candles in the house a lot, and when I blow them out before bed, they generate smoke that looks a lot like the type I used to fill my lungs with. Even though I know the candle smoke is harmless, I still avoid inhaling it. Call me superstitious. I had a dream about crystal last week, for the first time in a very long time. I used to have night visions of crystal often. Whenever I tried to quit or inadvertently ran out, methamphetamine urges would dominate my rapid eye movement (REM) sleep. I'd dream of finding baggies of it lying around on the floor under the couch, and of searching for a private place to smoke it, always waking up before I could partake.

Last week's dream was different. In it, I was visiting friends out of town, and I met them at a local leather bar. There were eight guys sitting at the bar, all of whom had large ‘rails’ (lines) of crystal laid out before them on the bar, ready to be snorted. I recognized two of the men, one of whom turned to me with the saddest look on his face I've ever seen; it chilled me. I looked over toward the other guy I knew and said ‘really don't think I should be here.’ He nodded knowingly, and I turned around and walked out the door.

A lot more has changed than just my dreams at night. I have a different approach to the world, one that is driven by honesty rather than the deception I needed to wield in order to get through life as an addict. When I was using, ‘Deny Everything’ was my survival mantra. These days, I'm aiming for ‘Deny Nothing’ as the signpost in my path toward a better way of life.

-ACT Volunteer