Speed Bumps

We’re pleased to be able to offer writer Shawn Syms’ reminisces as a former Tina user in the serial feature ‘Speed Bumps.’ Each month we’ll bring you another article by Shawn as he shares his experiences, memories and insights. Shawn writes frankly and intimately with the clarity of someone who’s been there. We hope you enjoy this series. Send us your comments here.

Past Features

July 2006: Up in smoke
August 2006: Sex and drugs
September 2006: Shit happens

Current Feature

Weighty losses

People who use crystal meth lose a lot of weight very quickly. And it's a crash course in how fat and thin people are treated differently. For me, this was the drug’s most compelling effect.

Maybe there's nothing especially unique about my experiences growing up as a fat queer. I spent hours stretching my shirts out with my knees so they wouldn't cling to my body and remind me that I hated it. Despite growing up with a pool, I never learned how to swim because I was embarrassed to take my shirt off in front of other people.

Because I had a big chest to match my big belly, I was christened ‘Tit Man’ by my grade-six classmates. Throughout elementary school, I was mocked; in high school I was just ignored.

Coming of age and coming out, the emerging ‘bear’ scene was a real help. I'd never really believed that anyone would find me attractive, and I was gratified to learn that some people actually did. I wondered if I had finally healed the scars of my youth and found some self-acceptance. Maybe I was fine just the way I was after all.

All that changed when I started using crystal. At the height of my addiction, I weighed fifty-five pounds less than I do now. Through using meth and late night partying on the dance floor, I lost ten pounds in a single weekend and then another ten pounds the following weekend. Twenty pounds in nine days. I managed to knock off another ten pounds in short order too: eating less and tweaking more.

The changes in appearance led to other changes too. Lean guys are desired by a lot more people than fat guys. I suddenly found myself on the receiving end of more attention from other men. A lot more.

I may have thought I'd come to terms with my larger size before then, but I was astounded and thrilled by these sudden changes. Some people like to say that seeking attention based on your appearance is shallow. But I'm not ashamed to say that I loved it. I had experiences I'd never conceived of before.

Like walking down the street in shorts and a tank top, and having a group of a dozen men all stop in their tracks to check me out. Or going to a bar where there were six guys who rocked my world, and being approached by each and every one of them. It sounds almost ridiculous recounting those moments now, but at the time, it was as if my horrible world of childhood unpopularity had somehow, magically, been completely turned on its head.

Those experiences were probably even more intoxicating for me than the incredibly addictive substance that had birthed them. Fear of regaining all my weight was certainly a huge stumbling block in my recovery.

Not every aspect of those physical changes was positive though. Though my new build appealed to many who like 'em lean and hairy, my face certainly suffered from the non-stop crystal use: persistent acne and scabs, and dark circles under my eyes that still remain. I've kept a Polaroid of myself from those days as a fateful reminder.

I remember one night after dancing at The Barn; I sat on a ledge at the corner of Church and Carlton at 3 a.m. restless, wide-awake and nowhere near ready to go home. A non-descript but quietly handsome guy approached me. He was clearly a working-class man, no doubt walking home from his job maybe as a busboy or a custodian or a short-order cook. He looked as if he'd probably never set foot in a gay bar. He lacked the self-conscious attention to appearance that most gay men possess.

He looked me in the eye and said to me: ‘Would you like to come over for a while and have something to eat?’ with just a little bit of hunger in his own voice. I thanked him, but said no. Food was the furthest thing from my mind at that point.

Something is wrong with this scenario, and it has nothing to do with that gentle man, who was nothing but dignified. It has to do with the fact that an adult of almost thirty should never be mistaken for a hungry street youth.

When I was finally able to force myself off the crystal train wreck five years after it had started, all of the weight I'd lost came piling back on right away.

And very quickly. Crystal tricks the body into thinking it's not hungry most of the time. With that crutch knocked out from under it, the body suddenly realizes that it has been starving for years, and tries to build up its stores of nourishment. You get up in the middle of the night and stand in front of the fridge, unable to stop eating. I gained thirty-five pounds in what seemed like two weeks.

My experience with crystal took my sense of body image and shattered it like a hammer. Over the years, I've had many occasions where I looked in the mirror and wasn't even sure what I saw at all. This morning, I saw a picture of my body and didn't recognize myself.

Being a big man again has taken a lot of getting used to. I may not get quite as much attention as before, but that actually brings a certain tranquility that I value. Being at peace with my body seems to bring me peace of mind.

-Shawn Syms