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My love/hate affair with Ms. Bitch Tina, or how my testicles
and Calamine lotion became good friends
YESTERDAY
It all started 2 years ago, the day after the Military Ball
during gay pride celebrations. I arrived home from the Ball
early in the morning, still high and horny from the 2 hits
of ecstasy I had done.
Like usual, I went to the Manline to try score my home delivered
blowjob or fuck. It was most of the times an easy and quick
hunt, as the description of myself included the words "mostly
a top, sexually aggressive, dominant and p&p."
I rarely traveled to other people's places, the fear of rejection;
it is more comfortable to be rejected at home than at someone
else’s door. I did travel that morning. Within less
than a 20-minute walk I was buzzing ‘W’ on his
apartment and a short while later; I was doing my first bump
of Tina. It was love on first sight, or I should say, love
on first bump.
I became a regular at ‘W’s Friday night sex parties
and would not leave his place until Saturday afternoon when
still under the influence, I would go to a bathhouse looking
for more sex and drugs. I started then just buying the drug
from ‘W,’ a nice soft spoken and warm man, and
go home and engage in long hours of masturbation in front
of a mirror in my place.
TODAY
I don’t need ‘W’ anymore. My ecstasy dealer
is also selling Tina. One phone call and he will be at my
place in less than 10 minutes. 5O dollars worth of hiding
in my place for the whole weekend having orgasms that would
last an eternity, the thrill, the excitement, the porns, the
poppers, the grease lubricant all over from door knobs to
kitchen utensils.
If my dealer is not around, one visit to the baths and the
chances of scoring Tina is a good one. Recording with my camcorder
my solo sex trips, the Manline connections (the magical expression
p&p opens so many doors, man who would never look at me
in a club kept coming back for more and more).
And with that also came a heart condition that requires medication
due to high blood pressure caused by the thickening of my
heart muscle walls. Tina being the strong stimulant it is,
made my heart work faster and being the muscle it is, it enlarged
its size. I got a blood pressure machine and between one bump
and the next pipe I would take my pressure.
Skipping work so I could stay home and recover from the sleep
depravation and endless hours I indulged/inflicted on my body
at the bathhouses, or at my place. I still identify myself
as a worker and then as a user, and I don’t want that
order never to change.
More visits to the dentist who was the first who sounded
the alarm in relation to my blood pressure, my gums were bleeding
excessively during the dental procedures and that’s
a very good indication that something is not right. The non-stop
excessive grinding and the constant use of Tina made quite
a work in my mouth. I educated myself and started using dry
mouth toothpaste, sugarless gum and brushing my teeth every
time I would smoke in order to try to get rid of the chemicals
left in my mouth.
Socializing got all of a sudden so boring. Why bother meeting
people if I could stay home and entertain myself for endless
hours of chemically induced sexual trips? I was beautiful,
muscled, hunky, powerful, and seductive. And it is because
it has made me feel that way and still does, that I still
continue using Tina every weekend, besides the recently diagnosed
heart condition, and besides the fact that I am HIV positive.
I spoke to my doctor very frankly about it and the only thing
he can do is to monitor me more closely for changes in my
viral load and CD4. I consider myself to be a smart person
and why is that then I continue to meet Ms. Tina every weekend?
Loneliness, boredom, my thrill seeking and addictive personality,
sexual addiction, does it sound familiar?
I tried professional help, the CAMH. After one visit, the
very first one, they call it assessment; I knew that that
place was not for me. I felt so depressed. I went to my first
Crystal Meth Anonymous group at the 519, some very familiar
faces. How can I focus on my recovering from this drug or
even applying harm reduction to make it safer when attending
this group if the next guy to me was my party partner just
a couple of weeks ago? I kept thinking about his warm tight
mouth around my dick when sucking me for hours in a bathhouse
room.
One accomplishment, I don’t go to the Manline anymore
as I called Bell and asked them to install call control on
my line (5 dollars a month instead of hundred of dollars a
month while at the Manline). I also called the Manline and
asked them not to accept my calls. They don’t do that
but they will not renew my actual membership.
I leave here, what is my message to you? You figure it out………..and
about the calamine lotion, it is the only way I manage to
stop scratching and touching myself after I use Tina. I miss
my ecstasy so much!
- South American, HIV+, early 40s
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