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Crystal Clear

I first tried crystal meth when I was seventeen, and then again twenty years later, both times for the same and yet slightly differing reasons. At seventeen, it was just about trying out new ‘highs.’ I had already tried acid, pot, mushrooms, and heroin, and I was already fond of the first three.

I tried Tina with friends who were older than me and belonged to a group that hung out together always. Am I saying that it was my friends who influenced me?!! Yes and no!! I needed a sense of belonging in a predominantly white North American culture, because there was this wall of suspicion between me, a non-white, and my white friends. Tina simply broke down that barrier, and it seemed like that I could belong in this culture, without feeling estranged. But there was also an entirely different reason. It was the drug itself and its own powerful influence both on physiology and psychology.

Whether at seventeen or at thirty-six, both times, Tina had a similar effect on both my physiology and psychology. While it gave me immense energy and self-assuredness, I was left also concentrating on bodily composure for the three days that the trip lasted. Psychologically, Tina created this beautiful sexual idea, suspended in time that would allow me to forget all ‘customs of exercise’ and concentrate on this one great sexual fulfillment. An idea that can never be perfectly ‘reperesented’ but which, nonetheless, creates the illusion that the goal is attainable.

And what is the goal? It is the perfect fuck: the idolized fuck, the complete fuck, without resonance of regret or further longing. Of course, in hindsight it’s a delusional intent, for a perfect idea cannot be perfectly realized; it will fall short of the ideal.

When I was reflecting on my decision to try it at seventeen, I realized that my reasoning at thirty-six was pretty much the same. Although it is not the most perspicuous phenomena in the gay community, racism exists. Whether it’s intentional or unintentional, it exists, and not only does it alienate ethnic gay men, but it also scars them.

It is a very strong force in the leather/BDSM/kink subculture, which is apparent in its icons: an idolized leather man is always white, most white men win contests, and in both my experience and that of other black and ethnic men I have spoken with say, that if you do not stand up to the idolized leather man, it is difficult to find a partner to play with.

Crystal meth breaks down this barrier, even if it is only a momentary illusion (say three nights). One belongs to the group, whether one looks the part or not. So I realized that I had done the drug again (knowing full well the deplorable condition it leaves me for at least a week after) belonging I needed, no, I wanted to belong to a community that puts up this wall of stereotyping and suspicion.

Racial suspicion is the enemy for the non-white in every facet of the gay community. Tina breaks these barriers down because it is about physicality not about politics, or philosophy, or even morality, and so it is outside civilization. It was a chance for me to belong without suspicion, without assumptions, without pity.

I have discovered recently that I am moving away from using any stimulants at all, except maybe pot or mushrooms. This has to do with my age, my health situation, and because I want to party at eighty. You only get one chance and I want as much of existence as possible; plus there is no desire left to belong to anything. From this day foreword, it’s free living.

- Enzo Husain, Ph.D.