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The Love Inside
I was born on a beautiful, tropical island in the southern
Caribbean. My family was not very wealthy but I lived comfortably,
surrounded by the richness of life, love and laughter. I had
a great childhood.
Sadly, as I grew older, I came to the painful realization
that in many important ways, I was very different from most
of the people around me. I came to the realization that I
was gay and there was very little tolerance or understanding
of homosexuality in my homeland.
I immigrated to Canada in search of freedom and acceptance.
I arrived in Toronto in 1995, very disconnected from anything
familiar, my family, and my friends. Yet, I felt a strange
sense of security in the anonymity of the big city. I will
never forget my first Pride Parade! It was so overwhelming.
To think that all this time, I had cried alone when there
were streets filled with people like me! I felt safe.
For the next nine years, I lived the life of a liberated,
gay, black, man. I became an active member of the “gay
community,” all the while seeking acceptance, trying
to find and define, community. From Church Street to the bars,
the balls, the bathhouses to the fundraisers, the memorials,
the protests; I did it all. I was desperately seeking that
connection that I just could not find. I sought intimacy in
faces and places where such expression was not available,
perhaps impossible. In the process, I learned how to avoid
intimacy whenever it was truly desirable.
I can still recall that first encounter with crystal meth,
as vividly as though it were only yesterday. It was on a Friday
night, spring 2004, that I decided to pay a visit to the baths.
A few hours into the evening, I was going through the floor-walking
ritual, when I received the nod of approval of an older gentleman.
Our eyes connected in the dark corridors several times. Eventually,
he invited me into his room and in the middle of foreplay;
he asked if I was into “PNP.”
I paused.
Throughout the years, through all my trials and tribulations,
my joys and celebrations, I managed to stay focused and drug
free. I was always aware of the prevalence of illicit drugs,
but I never had any interest or desire to experiment. I was
a social drinker, never smoked, and always assumed that I
did not have an addictive personality.
I understood what PNP meant, but I was never interested enough
to ask anyone about the type of drugs involved. Up until that
night, I had never heard of crystal meth. Today, I wish I
had taken the time to ask a few questions. Instead, I convinced
myself that I needed to try something “wild!”
Just this once.
“Oh yeah!” I replied, pretending that I was
no stranger to PNP! Pretending to be someone I was not. And
so it began… Of my own free will and deception, I was
introduced to crystal meth.
At first, the drug seemed to be the perfect panacea. It felt
like I had finally found the cognitive and sexual connection
that I longed for. My use was restricted to the occasional
weekend and I assumed that I was in control of my little secret.
But, as time went on, I began to develop a special relationship
with this drug. Crystal meth became an integral part of sex
and I needed the drug in increasing amounts to achieving the
same high. Interestingly, I needed to have sex more regularly
as well!
After sixteen months of occasional use, my life gradually
became unmanageable. I started making very unwise and irrational
choices about important things in my life. I started to distance
myself from friends and became neglectful of my responsibilities.
My fears and insecurities were mounting and I started to
live with paranoia.
My life long struggle with issues around identity, community
and acceptance, intensified.
In December of 2005, I was diagnosed with clinical depression.
Still, I was unable to realize the connection between this
malady and my meth use. I remained debauched by the pain of
dreams; embers of dreams gone up in smoke.
I have always believed and will continue to believe that
my saving grace has been my spirituality. I honestly believe
that at times, God sends us angels to guide us. They do not
fly on wings, they are just the ordinary but special people
in our lives, who help us to grow and learn, or see us through
difficult times.
I was having one of those unmanageable days in March 2006,
when a few angels came to my rescue. Unexpectedly, I ran into
someone that I had met and partied with on previous occasions.
We chatted over a coffee as he sadly disclosed how crystal
meth had done irreparable damage to his life. Suddenly, in
the midst of his revelation, I saw a vision of myself, reflected
in his face. I became overwhelmed by fear.
Later that same day, another friend responded to my distraught
call for help. He came to visit with me and we both talked
candidly about my meth use. The following day I called another
friend who put me in contact with Crystal Meth Anonymous.
It was on that blessed day, that I accepted and recognized
that crystal meth had become a serious problem in my life.
I felt shame, anger, remorse. I cried for two days non-stop.
I believe that was my cleansing.
I have been clean since March 2006 and with each sunrise
and the promise of a new day, I give thanks for healthy living.
I can honestly say that I’ve been extremely lucky with
this lesson. I did not have to hit rock bottom and it is by
God’s grace that I have remained HIV negative.
Nevertheless, my message is the same; crystal meth has impacted
my life negatively. Crystal meth is a powerful and complex
drug. It can corrupt even the most discerning mind. Please
do not be deceived by the allure.
To this day, I am not certain that I clearly understand the
reason(s) for my crystal meth addiction. I continue to seek
professional help to find the answers.
However, I realize that in many of my weak moments, I was
unable to look within and find the inner strength to resist
temptation. I can honestly say that now, I have come to know
and respect the value and importance of self love.
We ourselves, rather than external forces, are the most significant
shapers of our destiny. I have come to realize that as I dedicate
time to loving myself, and surrounding myself with positive-minded
people, I am finding community! I pray that someday, I will
have the chance again, to experience true intimacy.
I have also come to know that meth addiction is powerful
and it is not the type of battle that you can fight alone.
Through the mercy of God and the support of friends and community,
I try to live each day as the wise child who must now love
his life, because it is like no other.
For all my moments past, my days and years to come, may I
continue to seek, The Love Inside.
- Christopher
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